Control and autonomy

And why the desire for control is not a core feature of PDA.

Autonomy vs. control

Within the realm of neurodivergent phenomenology, it’s helpful distinguish between actions that reflect an underlying drive for autonomy and those driven by a desire for control.

There exists a construct referred to interchangeably as “Pathological Demand Avoidance” (PDA) or “Persistent Drive for Autonomy.” I argue that the construct of PDA contains elements that are “pathological” (or rather; undesirable), neutral and functional.

However, I will argue that there is now a common misunderstanding of the nature of “pathological” PDA, distinguished by a conflation between anxiety responses to a thwarted autonomy drive and desire for control.

Understanding control

Self-Control

Self-control involves attempts to suppress, regulate, manage, or direct one’s own behaviours, thoughts, or emotions in alignment with a goal. This goal may relate to personal desires, values, beliefs, or social expectations. It requires both restraining and directing one’s own actions.

While self-control is necessary for goal-directed behaviour and generally desirable, prolonged thwarting of control can lead to learned helplessness, a state where individuals mistakenly believe they are powerless to change their circumstances, even when they have some degree of control. This is a well known psychological phenomena linked to depression, amongst other mental health conditions.

Collective agency

Sometimes, influencing others is essential to achieve shared goals. For example, when a group cooks a meal together, one person may take on the role of leader, guiding others on where to focus their efforts. In this scenario, the group shares a sense of collective agency but entrusts part of it to the leader for coordination.

This arrangement works best when team members voluntarily and consensually give up some control, trusting the leader to act in everyone’s best interest. This trust ensures that no one feels disempowered by relinquishing control. However, if control is imposed without consent or through coercion, it becomes an abuse of agency, leading to significant negative consequences for all involved.

Over-control

Over-control involves excessive and damaging suppression, regulation, management, or direction of behaviours, thoughts, and emotions—whether toward oneself or others. The goal may still align with personal desires, values, or social expectations, but the execution becomes excessive and harmful.

Over-control is distinct from:

1. Desiring to be more in control in a general sense.

2. Temporarily desiring more control during a hardship.

Over-control is an enduring, self-sustaining, and deeply ingrained pattern that does not adapt or change in response to feedback, even when it is clear that the behaviour is harmful or unhelpful. This pattern is likely to cause harm to both the individual and those around them.

Digging deeper

Over-control is a deeply ingrained and overly generalised behavioural pattern in which the individual feels compelled to maintain an excessive degree of control over all aspects of their life.

This control extends both inwardly, e.g., rigorously regulating their own thoughts, emotions, and actions, and outwardly, as they attempt to manage or dictate the behaviours and decisions of others.

Distinctive from the desire or drive for autonomy, or a temporary heightened need for control in response to stress or uncertainty, over-control can be better understood a the default mode of functioning that shapes how the person approach the world.

This need for control is systemic. It is not about specific goals or circumstances but rather a fundamental drive to maintain control over both internal and external environments. This overarching pattern makes it difficult for the individual to adapt to situations that require flexibility, collaboration (including being involved in collective agency), or relinquishing control, which obviously strains relationships.

Over-control requires the person to constantly suppress their own desires, feelings, and impulses to maintain a sense of order or meet an unrealistic standard. This suppression disconnects them from their authentic self, as their focus shifts away from what they genuinely need toward an over-prioritisation of control for its own sake. For example, they may deny themselves rest, comfort, or spontaneity because these feel unpredictable and threaten their tightly managed sense of stability. Maintaining an over-controlled state is mentally and emotionally exhausting. 

In essence, over-control is not just about wanting control—it is about being unable to function without it, regardless of whether the circumstances justify such a level of control.

Why does over-control develop?

Exposure to stressful or traumatic events, especially during formative years, can lead individuals to adopt over-control as a coping strategy. By exerting excessive control over their environment and themselves can create a sense of safety and predictability in response to past chaos or unpredictability.

However, we must be cautious not to attribute over-control entirely to trauma. This explanation does not account for the many people who grow up in similar circumstances yet choose to prioritise fostering autonomy in others and confronting their own issues - behaviours that inherently involve relinquishing control.

Whilst this might feel uncomfortable for some to acknowledge, people may inherit temperamental traits that predispose them to over-control. Traits such as high conscientiousness, perfectionism, and a heightened need for order and predictability can make a person more susceptible to developing over-controlled behaviours. These mat be innate characteristics related to genetics and temperament.

In addition, parenting styles play a significant role in shaping a child’s emotional regulation strategies. Over-controlling or perfectionistic parenting can model and reinforce similar behaviours in children. 

Societal norms that value self-discipline, achievement, and emotional restraint can encourage over-controlled behaviors. In cultures where emotional expression is discouraged, individuals might develop over-control to conform to these expectations, suppressing their emotions to fit societal standards.

For the over-controlled individual, control equals calm. This fundamental difference means that they react disproportionately to anything compromising their perceived control, even in situations others find reasonable.

Persistent drive for autonomy

We’ve discussed how some people exhibit behavioural patterns and phenomenology characterised by over-control. There are others who display distinctive behavioural patterns driven by a heightened drive for autonomy. These two ways of being arise from different underlying mechanisms, result in distinct behaviours and responses, and are shaped by unique stressors. They also exhibit qualities not found in the other.

Of course I am referred to PDA of the persistent drive for autonomy variety, which as I’ve stated, includes aspects that are not inherently pathological (as opposed to over-control, which is inherently pathological). Understanding this type of PDA helps clarify when and how it may become pathological and highlights how it is fundamentally different from over-control.

Autonomy defined

Autonomy is the capacity to act in alignment with one’s values, desires, and interests, free from external pressures or coercion. It’s closely tied to self-governance, self-determination, and personal agency. Autonomy involves making choices, maintaining individuality, and express one’s authentic self freely.

When anyone’s autonomy is stifled (not just PDAers), it is distressing. For those driven by autonomy, whose baseline drive pulls them in the direction independence and self-expression, this stifling feels like it happens more. The behaviours PDAers exhibit under stress can resemble those of over-controlled individuals, but the underlying mechanisms differ significantly.

Over-controlled people are always stressed because maintaining total control is inherently unattainable. They are “permanently self-stifled”.

Autonomy-driven people are stressed only when their autonomy is stifled and thrive when they are in environments that allow them to have choices and self-determine. The problem for PDAers is that in many contexts their autonomy is frequently restricted, so they are frequently stressed.

Unique qualities of autonomy-driven people

PDAers also exhibit certain characteristics which emerge out of their drive for autonomy:

A heightened sense of authenticity: PDAers are motivated to follow their own internal compass rather than external pressures or societal expectations. They do best when they can tap into this. This is a significant strength. Unfortunately, many PDAers get the message that their own thoughts, feelings and desire are “wrong” (due to neurodivergent trauma), so often need support to reconnect with their inner compass. This intrinsic motivation can create a strong sense of personal accountability and responsibility for their actions.

Heightened sense of morality: When autonomy is a core driver, the person becomes particularly attuned to their own values and principles because these guide their decisions and actions, rather than societal expectations.

Hyper-empathy & sensitivity to justice and injustice: A heightened drive for autonomy also comes with an appreciation for the autonomy of others. PDAers have a felt-sense of what it is like to have freedom and self-expression thwarted, which makes them more likely to value fairness, justice, and the want to protect of individual rights. 

The characteristics of individuals driven by a heightened sense of autonomy are fundamentally different from the behaviours and traits associated with over-control. While over-control centres on suppressing inner needs and imposing external regulation for the sake of maintaining order, PDAers’ heightened drive for autonomy fosters authenticity, personal morality, and empathy. These qualities are not only distinct from over-control but often stand in opposition to it. PDAers thrive when their autonomy is respected and supported.

What does an over-controlled person do with autonomy?

As a thought experiment, it might be helpful to consider how an over-controlled person would react in a situation where they are given a high degree of autonomy.

Over-controlled people often feel overwhelmed or anxious in autonomous situations because they are used to relying on external rules, structures, or rigid self-imposed controls to maintain their sense of stability.

The absence of clear rules or structures will feel overwhelming to them. This can lead to behaviours such as excessive self-monitoring, where they overthink their decisions out of fear of making mistakes or losing control. They may also experience paralysis or indecision.

An over-controlled person will then attempt to recreate external structures or routines. This may look like creating rigid schedules or plans, and prefer to stick to familiar tasks and avoid situations where loss of control is possible.

In group settings, over-controlled people may try to assert control over others or engage in other behaviours to attempt to regain their sense of order. This can result in behaviours like micromanaging teammates, ignoring suggestions from others, dictating how others should work, and having negative reactions if others deviate from their preferred methods. Their need for control may come across as dismissive of approaches that differ from their own.

In summary, when given autonomy, an over-controlled person will likely react by becoming extremely anxious, recreating rigid structures, or attempting to control others. These behaviours reflect their struggle to function without external or self-imposed controls.

What does an autonomy driven person do with autonomy?

In short, and autonomy driven person will thrive. They will utilise this to align their actions with their values, desires, and interests. Autonomy is not just a preference for them but a fundamental need that enables them to function. As long as any other support needs are met, they will use the autonomy to pursue goals that feel meaningful and authentic, take ownership over their decisions and demonstrate a strong sense of personal accountability and responsibility.

Without the constraints of external rules or structures, autonomy-driven people feel able to creatively and approach problems and come up with solutions.

In a group setting, they respect the autonomy of others. They are more likely to emphasise mutual respect than imposing their will on others, although can face some challenges when autonomy is challenged in a group setting and may become distressed by this. If this happens, they may exhibit stressed behaviours that misalign with their personal values (then become distressed by that, and spiral).

When their autonomy is supported, they exhibit high levels of motivation, creativity, and emotional well-being.

Can an autonomy-driven person be over-controlled?

Yes. Unfortunately.

It is possible for over-control and a drive for autonomy to coexist within the same person, but obviously dynamic is inherently complex and fraught with internal conflict.

Over-control, by its nature, tends to dominate and suppress other behavioural drives, which will take over/ concealing the person’s autonomy-driven tendencies.

This dominance of over-control can create a false sense of calm or stability for the person and self-stifle their need for autonomy. As a result, the person’s autonomy-driven motivations such as their need for self-expression, alignment with personal values, and sensitivity to justice. When the autonomy drive does attempt to surface, it may manifest in inconsistent, or even helpful ways, leading to further distress and confusion for the person.

When a person has a baseline drive for autonomy but is also self-stifling, it can create an extremely challenging and self-perpetuating cycle. In this cycle, the person experiences stress not only from external factors that restrict their autonomy but also from their own internal suppression of their autonomy drive. This is an extremely overwhelming and deeply confusing state of affairs

The person may find themselves caught between two conflicting drives: the drive for autonomy, which pushes them toward self-expression and freedom, and the tendency to self-stifle, which aligns with over-control and suppresses their own autonomy. This internal conflict can be confusing because both drives can feel equally compelling yet mutually contradictory. Without awareness, it may be difficult for the person to distinguish whether their stress comes from a need for control or a desire for autonomy, as both states can produce similar feelings of tension and unease, as well as behaviours.

This cycle is particularly hard to break because the behaviours driven by over-control—such as rigid routines or self-imposed rules—can suppress the very behaviours needed to satisfy their drive for autonomy, such as self-determination and flexibility. The result is a feedback loop where the stress of unmet autonomy reinforces the self-stifling behaviours, which in turn further suppress autonomy.

Over time, they can begin to differentiate between their need for autonomy and their over-controlled tendencies, ultimately finding a more balanced way of being.

For such a person it is very important for them recognising and gently uncovering the autonomy-driven aspects while also recognising addressing the over-control effectively.

Final thoughts

This is obviously a complex topic that requires a nuanced understanding of psychological constructs, which may not be immediately intuitive or easily grasped. My goal is to empower people to become more self-aware, understand their experiences, and work with themselves so that they can pursue their goals.

I also aim to help those who are close to individuals with these experiences better understand them, fostering healthier and more effective relationships. Some of the things I am saying here I wish I knew before entering into relationships with others.

Over-control is particularly challenging to talk about. Within the neurodiversity movement, there is a strong emphasis on being affirming, accepting, and welcoming to all forms of neurodivergent experiences. However, when you look closely at over-control, its damaging effects become pretty clear. This is why I am quite concerned about the conflation of over-control with the PDA neurotype / autonomy-driven tendencies. These are fundamentally different constructs, and conflating them obscures their distinct characteristics and can be quite damaging to PDAers who do not experience over-control.

I firmly believe that over-control and PDA must be understood as separate phenomena. The two can coexist in the same person, creating a complex and challenging dynamic, and their coexistence requires specific approaches that address each experience individually. Approaching these issues as if they are the same risks misunderstanding the person’s needs and undermines effective support.

If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the issues discussed, please reach out for support. Help is available, and with the right guidance, navigating these challenges can become easier. ⭐️