Neurocomplexity

So I just had a feedback session from a psychologist who did a neuropsychology assessment on me. This is probably the last assessment I'll have for my neurocomplexity. It all started back in 2020 when I decided to encounter a client who obviously had become more aware of the concept of neurodiversity and ADHD. I actually got asked point-blank, "Are you one of us?" if I am Autistic, and I got asked if I am ADHD, and at the time I just sort of said maybe and tried to change the subject.

But as you do when you've done a doctorate in clinical neuropsychology and you have access measures to test yourself….I found that I was scoring pretty high. So although I was battling with myself and thinking it was all stupid, I went for an ADHD assessment, and that was confirmed. I was medicated, and I think that the medication itself only triggered something off even more because it enabled my mind to focus on what it was focused on, which was this inexplicable condition I found myself in.

So I saw, at this point, what was probably the sixth or seventh psychologist that I had seen in my life (I've lost count, I truly have), and she found that I am Autistic. Soon after that, I learned about Pathological Demand Avoidance, an explanation as to why I was so obsessed with ethics and injustice and really, really didn't like it when people said that I should like certain celebrities, and other weird traits like that.

So I did what you do when you're a registered psychologist and completely conscientious (not). I have a little bit of a knack for teaching; in fact, at a young age, I was probably way too young and way too inexperienced, maybe 20 (I don’t have a great sense of time, but time is just a construct, maybe I perceive it more accurately?) and the lecturer at the time was sick and she asked me to deliver a lecture (I think she was really sick and not great judgment) So I delivered a lecture when I was 20 years old hahaha. The reason I did that is because I love talking about things I'm interested in, so there we go. I just did it. And everyone clapped. It was extremely strange.

Anyway, back to TikTok. This is 2022 now. I started to talk about all the issues with diagnosis and how much I didn't learn at university and how I should have, and gettin’ all angry and talking about burnout and all these things we’ve researched but no-one seemed to care. And then, of course, I was reported to the board of psychology, and I've only just finished up with that.

So I do what you do when you’re in burnout and under the scrutiny of the board of psychology and started a business. I became focused and dedicated on providing psychological supports and assessment to other people who have been missed, and I'm now successfully running a business called Neudle that provides neurodiversity comprehensive assessment that is intended to be therapeutic. I've developed a whole protocol for assessing different aspects of neurodivergence that also involves helping people access support systems for their disabilities (which has helped me greatly - I am now banning the topic of NDIS from my mind outside work hours because YUCK). I've learned so much about the co-occurring experiences such as things like PTSD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, repetitive body-focused behaviours, dissociative disorders, co-occuring health conditions like hEDS, MCAS, POTS, and a range of other challenges that neurodivergent people often face.

Still, I have felt a little bit... I guess there have been times where I wondered, am I making all this up? I know that sounds mad but it’s sorta normal for late diagnosed people so.. Am I really Autistic? And when I reflect on it I think it’s more is this really all there is? I think it's more so I came across this concept of giftedness, and not from the perspective of, you know, you have a really high IQ and you're super smart and you're really good at maths and chess ( I am actually pretty good at maths and chess). But the psychological struggles that gifted people have, things like thinking faster than other people and having a complex matrix of inner relations through which you view the world and apply this model to understand concepts, and skipping steps with your thinking, and finding really complex theories that get your mind going (I call it mental masturbation don’t hate me), and feeling the need to dive deeper and over-complexify the simple... I just got completely and utterly called out whilst learning about giftedness.

I had an assessment, a qualitative assessment from Intergifted which looks at the experiences gifted people have, and they said I am gifted. But for some reason, I didn't really take that on. My brain just wouldn’t take to it. So I reasoned to myself that I have somehow Autistically hyperfocused on giftedness and convinced them I am gifted. Maybe I wanted to prove something. MAYBE I wanted to overcompensate for my Autism because I secretly hate myself and secretly didn't really want to be Autistic. MAYBE ITS MY UNCONSCIOUS MESSING WITH ME. I don't know. I’m so suss of myself. I know I have a lot of self deluding blind spots I run into the buggers every day.

So eventually, after about 1 year avoidance, I managed to track down a neuropsychologist that was willing to put my brain to the test. As I was sitting there doing the testing, seeing her responses and the look on her face, I sort thought oh noooo I already knew was in for.

There are some people, weirdly as it sounds, who conceptualise giftedness as being a disorder. In fact, they've wondered whether we should put it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders because the research about gifted people, apart from them being super geniuses and having the best life ever and the best relationships and really sexy NONE OF THAT IS TRUE, is that there are a lot of unique psychological difficulties and challenges that gifted people have AKA. we’re also mentally ruined help. There seems to be a lack of supports for the emotional and social needs of gifted people because there's so much effort on… um…. getting their brain to be amazingly productive for the system??? Psyche Mine wasn't. I got expelled from school because I was so bored I went around to different classes pretending I was represented my class and doing fake “surverys”. I also asked too many questions and when they weren’t answered literally flipped my desk. Don't worry, I backed it up with an doctorate when my principal told me it would be a miracle if I finished high school - their actual works. So I stubbornly got myself finished much more than high school, thank you very much.

But this thing, this aspect, honestly, in a lot of ways it feels more impairing than the well-understood, treatment-optionable ADHD, autism, and sometimes PDA. I don't know, PDA is sort of neglected. I'm trying to fix that.

So I met with my neuropsychologist today, and she tells me, "Your brain is amazing. Your cognitive functioning is extremely high," and did talk about some of the issues that I have because of the neurodiversity stuff. And here I am, finally. Psychologists, I have definitive proof, a cognitive profile that defines my weird-ass brain: Autism, ADHD, Pathological Demand Avoidance, and Giftedness.

So what's it like to be existing in this state? Interfacing with the world sort of feels like a fun challenge. It feels like, I don't always want to do it, but I don't have a choice. Whenever I feel in the flow then I notice a heightened concern that I'm going to die soon and an existential crisis of about three minutes daily. There's a strong sense of my death there in the background; I think that's to do with my giftedness, maybe. I think i’m a little close to some sorta level of consciousness most people are free from. It's like I'm in the dialectic. I’m not even going to explain that, look it up. When I experience any form of pleasure, it comes with that. I don't know if other people are aware of this on a felt sense level; I hope they're not. Anyway i’m used to it.

Also, socially, there's about a 0.005% chance that people will actually understand me because not only is my profile of giftedness quite unique and weird, so is my Autism (because I have a PDA profile, and internalise a lot of my Autistic traits and my special interests are in philosophy and psyhcology), and so is my ADHD (because I have my giftedness which can mask it), and all these things interact to create this like emergent phenomenal brain that is like, what the hell. I remember when I had my qualitative gifted assessment, and my assessor said, "Well, I've never had responses like this before. I don't know where to place you, but I'm just gonna say high," which of course was not very convincing to me at the time.

I've spoken to psychologists, I've spoken to coaches, I've spoken to counsellors. I've literally spoken to a philosophical counsellor named Gregory B. Sadler, who was very awesome by the way. Shout out. He has a substack, read it. I thought maybe an actual philosopher would be able to sort me out, and to be honest, I reckon he's actually probably done the best work on me so far. One session, good on you mate!

They all, even Greg, think it's an issue that I have some trouble feeling socially connected. But it's like, my dudes, for me, it feels like logically it's just not going to... there's just no synchronisation, like resonance. It's just physics. And what do I do? I can try to mould myself, but do I exist in a moulded state, or do I accept the fact that I'm not going to be able to easily or in a sustained way synchronise with very many beings on this earth or perhaps any?

I have reached the point of accepting that because there's a level of synchronisation within parts of me, but I feel like the complexity that exists within me is sort of more aligned with how nature really is. So that's okay for me. That probably makes no sense and I don’t even care. In fact, I've been doing some exercises and trying to resource... resource and EMDR, and trying to find a nurturing figure. I just feel like just being with the trees, you know? Trees and pumpkins, Like that's enough for me. Of course, I want to hug now and then, but being the way I am sort of changes what can be expected with social connection, and I think accepting that is something that has helped me a lot.

But weirdly, there is something that I feel about my strange neurology that helps me connect even more, and I think this probably comes from the fact that I'm Filipina. Let me explain: if you ever want super nice, caring people around you that are just absolutely loving and lovely, go to the Philippines (apart from the corrupted government, and zero public transport, and the fact rabies is still a risk, of course). I am Filipina; my mother is fully Filipina. I'm half Filipina, and I feel like part of my Filipina identity means that I am a nurturing person by nature. I am just a caring, loving person. It's not religious; it's just something in the DNA. I don't know what it is; I can't get it out of me; i’ve tried.

So this intersection between all my things means I actually feel incredibly grateful. Regardless of whether I'm talking to someone who's only got a diagnosis of Autism, or they're gifted, or they have pathological demand avoidance (which usually comes with Autism), or they have ADHD, or they just haven't felt like they've connected in some way with society or others, I can relate to them. Some part of me can resonate. Some aspect of me connects with them, and I feel like that in itself is the biggest gift.

I'm a psychologist, a clinical psychologist, and nearly a clinical neuropsychologist. And although I have incredible imposter syndrome which I think is just part of the traumatic nature of the degree DPsych, I have never really had an issue connecting with someone who presents to me for help. It's not something that I feel like, "Oh my god, I'm so great, I'm the best therapist ever." I actually just think it's because my brain has taken most paths, so when someone comes to me with something, I'm never really surprised, and I even feed that back to them. I think that's beautiful.

So even though I feel like my head is in a vice most of the time, I sort of also feel like my life is sorted. I went to a mental health hospital psychiatric ward once ... not for me, I was visiting, i’ve dodged them so far… I had this weird insight that I am simultaneously someone who is a professional, as an educated, successful professional with all the qualifications and all the competency (and yes, Psychology Board of Australia, I am well, I am all good, leave me alone, I've had my supervision, leave me alone). I also have one foot in the realm of the experiential. I feel like I am the helper, and I am also one with the community of those who I'm helping, and that brings me great joy and great motivation.

So for those of you out there who experience neurocomplexity, you may feel alone a lot of the time. You may feel empty, like you're in a dark world without colour because you can't shine within all these restrictions and norms and all this other stuff. Collectively, your experience is shared, and there is a place for you, and you will find it. And maybe if you haven't, it's still just a little bit missing in your story. Keep going.